Making Friends with My Shame?
…why not try?
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
― Brene Brown
Rachel Thompson hosts the #SexAbuseChat over on Twitter Tuesday evenings.
I usually just read and maybe retweet a few. The whole chat is quote triggering and I feel inadequate to participate. But last night?
Last night she posted about making friends with her shame:
Whoa.
Make friends with Shame?…
Three weeks ago my therapist asked me to see if any of her stuffed creatures were an accurate representation of my panic — this was in response to my having a particularly violent and exhausting ptsd induced panic episode.
I watched her show me the stuffed creatures.
That blob?…
Yep, that’s depression.
That mouse?…
Oh my goodness, that is me!!!!
But my panic?…
…
and then she pulled out a kinda well loved, not-pretty meerkat and YES! that’s my panic!
I remember watching Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet some years ago and YES! That is my panic.
My panic is a meerkat.
My panic is a small rodent type creature that is always on alert, always ready for disaster, death, the end of the world.
My panic is a rather cute/ugly little critter that often over-reacts to keep it’s family safe.
My panic is… too small, too much, and trying to save my life.
That stuffed meerkat has been sitting on my prayer altar next to my Luvs-A-Lot bear for the past 20 days. It sat there through last night’s full moon (the Celtic Claiming Moon)
…and I couldn’t find my way into friendship with that damn rodent.
I mean, seriously, look at it — it’s not really attractive or friendly looking — just looks dirty, old, used-up and like too much…
Exactly like I feel after a panic episode.
and while I’m writing up this post an old Howard Jones song comes on, as if to encourage and cheer me on:
and so I write on…
Because that little meerkat is counting on me to listen.
Because my Shame is counting on me to listen.
Because, really, how else do I heal if I don’t make friends with these aspects of myself created by others and the trauma they visited upon my soul?
Panic really isn’t so bad after all it turns out.
She’s really just looking to alert me to danger, to keep us all alive.
She loves me.
She’s a good friend, just doing her best.
So, Shame, I guess you’re next, after I finish making friends with Panic…
Thank you for reading.❤
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